What is love?

The last time I posted something, i told you that I thought I was in love. And yes, that is still true now. As the days have gone on, things get harder and harder. I feel like the problems i told you about in the previous post are becoming more extreme than I had hoped. For example; my guy puts video games ahead of me everyday. I haven't had a legit conversation with him in at least 4-5 days. Some say "absence makes the heart grow fonder". I say this sometimes too, but only to reassure myself. My guy tells me rarely how much he cares about me but i know that he is emotionally distant and doesn't like to share/express his feelings. Which, not many guys do and i'm completely okay with that. But, when it comes down to standing up for me, well, he doesn't. He lets his friends walk all over me. I was told that his friends couldn't be stopped because they will just continue to do what they want so it's not possible to stop them. Well I call BULL. Also, i've been told that he is scared to lose his social status. Well, if you really cared about someone, that wouldn't matter as much as the person you care about. I have been trying so hard for so long to make sure things gp right and now I'm mentally exhausted. Part of me says i'm done trying....but the other part of me says that i can't give up after all that i've been through. And, i was informed today that i am a stalker. Well, I think that his friend and i have different definitions of what a stalker is because i don't even know where in the hell my guy lives. So, today, i pretty much showed them that if i'm going to be called a stalker then i will sure as hell act like one. But all I know is that, him and i need to have a discussion about respect because he shows me none what so ever. I'm tired of it and just not being important. I do so much for him and never get anything in return. Maybe i'm not worth it to him....does that mean i should feel the same about him? I don't know what to do or how to react to any of this. But, like I said before, i am mentally exhausted. But, on the brighter side, my sweet sixteen in tomorrow :) i'm having a huge party and a bbq :)so, until next time! By the way; David, if you are reading this, thank you so much for all the help you have given me through all my hard times lately. i appreciate it so much and I feel like i don't tell you that enough. so, thank you :) -Samantha Michelle

"Falling in love is so hard on the knees"- Aerosmith

Where would this world be without love? I mean, I can barely get through the day without thinking about those that I love. This year has been full of what we teenagers call "love". But somewhere in all of this "love" i think I found it. Believ me, I know that sounds crazy and so unreal but he is the one person I want to be with. If something good happens, i want him to be the first to know...or if something bad happens, i want him to be the one to comfort me. But, it's so hard to love someone who treats you horribly. It's not like he hits more anything, nothing like that...i mean, why would he? It's a verbal thing. Him, his friends and I do skype practically everyday and at some point in the conversation they end up talking about what girls they would want to "do it" with and so my guy talks about it too....right in front of me. And he asks me why I don't say anything...well gee I WONDER WHY! My guy is a joker, I know that very well and he jokes with me a lot but sometimes they dont seem like jokes...i confronted him about it and he thought nothing of but apologized anyway. Everytime he apologizes for something, my knees buckle and i give in and he knows he can just do all of this again. I don't know if i'm making a big deal out of this but I fell like theres something wrong and I know i really need to talk to him about al of this but im very scared that he won't take me seriously... I know that's not the way a relationship should be but I don't even know if we count as a realtionship...we have had nothing but problems from the beginning (november), everytime I tried to move on and had a thing with a different guy, he kept popping up and my head and i wanted him to leave because it was causing me pain to think that he didn't care about me...then one day, he said he still cared about me. But is this the way to treat someone you care about? Is he even treating me in a bad way? I don't know what to think anymore. I love him and falling for him gets harder and harder. Thinking about all of this wares me out but I just can't stop until I get my thoughts straight and I feel lie that will never happen and so I don't know what I will do with myself... All I know is that I love him and that will not change...ever..

Endings...not always easy...

Oh my lord. We are about a third of the way through June and do you know what that means? School is almost out! But that also means that finals are coming and things are really getting harder... And on top of all of the stress for school work, we have our drama. Nothing major going on right now...thank the lord...school has been tough because, yes, there is drama all the time. That is just inevitable. Life has gotten better though. I have made contact with my dad again. Now he comes to my school and teaches two of my very close friends what he knows on the guitar. This makes them very happy and I can tell that he really enjoys it. Seeing him connect with my friends and I at the same time is amazing because we have never been able to have that kind of relationship. Also, i am doing well in school and band is going amazingly. I have recently found out that I made the GPHS wind ensemble. This is amazing, i am in the top band. I also have some one that I really care about. Him and I semi dated at the beginning of the year and it didn't go so well but he has recently told me that he cares about me. After the months that had gone by i didn't think he would ever say that I certainly did not think that I would have the chance to tell him how I had cared for him the whole time. Now, i'm hoping that things will work out and this won't just be deja vu. But anyway, no matter what life throws at me, I will always keep my head and continue to tell myself that tomorrow's a new day. Because, for all we know, tomorrow could be our paradise. Keep living, keep trying, keep loving. No matter what happens, it was God's plan and even if you don't agree with what he is wanting for you, you have to know that something good has to come out of it.

The Start of March

Things have sure been crazy in my life and everything seems to be going full speed ahead. Right now we are registering for our new classes for the year to come and it's stressful. But really, the only thing I can think about is my Father. At the beginning of last month, he had complications with his defulator and has been out of work since. He said he will be going back very soon but maybe he hasnt had a long enough break. Though i have been avoiding contact with him, I do worry. I worry about his heart and how he is without my help, I also worry about his money. How can he pay for the medical bills? I don't want him to lose everything and I feel like everything that has happened to him these past few weeks have been my fault. Maybe if I had spent some of the 181 days I have been avoiding him, tried to make contact with him...I just want everyone to pray for him because I do love him.